Majority of my life I have spent it wishing I were other people, wanting what they had and believing that I was at a disadvantage because of my mental health issues, lack of support, encouragement, and self-confidence. Most of my existence I have spent simply trying to survive in what I viewed life to be, a war zone.
I remember one specific day where I was feeling extremely suicidal. At the time, I was utterly sick of feeling so low about myself, angry, and majorly depressed six out of the seven days of the week. I questioned if life was even worth living anymore as this way of life was extremely exhausting, not only for myself but also for the one person who did support me, my boyfriend. In my head, suicide seemed to be the only way out of this prison in my mind. So one day I drove off and away from where my boyfriend and I resided at the time, and I was about to attempt yet another suicide in some far away forest.
I felt a strong urge to pullover and pray as I was passing a sign in front of the local church that said, 'God is near to the broken hearted'. I immediately pulled over and began to spill my heart and soul to God as if He was standing right in front of me. I knew He had done a lot for me in the past, so why would't He come through for me this time?
I was out of breath from the anxiety attack I was experiencing and was also irrationally banging my head against the steering wheel as physical pain felt better than the emotional pain I was in. I was yelling out to Him something like, "Why do you put me through this torment? Why don't you just heal me already? Where are you?" By the time this messy prayer was over, I didn't feel healed all of a sudden, I didn't necessarily feel any less "shaken up", but I did feel a sense of peace and calmness in my heart and soul. The strong desire to go off and kill myself had I planned wasn't in my plans anymore- in fact, I turned around and went home.
Isn't it interesting how we truly believe we are tapped out and there's nothing left to give but God has different plans for us? It's almost as if I needed to be in such a weak and vulnerable place to cry out in order for me to truly understand, witness, and feel His healing power. Since this incident of me being in extreme emotional distress, banging my head against the steering wheel and crying out, I haven't felt such intense emotions of anger, hurt, and uncertainty. Since then, I have been able to cope with my feelings by doing my best to surrender the pain to the hands of God instead of harboring them. The progress I have made spiritually, mentally, and emotionally by "turning it over" to God since then is nothing short of a miracle.
Today, I don’t view suicide as an option. I know that if I just keep holding on and perservering in faith, fulfillment and wisdom are on the other side of my pain. When suicide or giving up is your only answer, you are in a place of hopelessness. When you seek guidance in the midst of your struggle from God (instead of partaking in self destructive behavior) you grow strong and wise.
If you were to ask me what my goals and dreams for myself were 2 years ago during this time period, I don't believe I could have given you an answer. If I did, it would have been something silly that didn't align with what my heart truly desired. However, through time and continuous healing, my vision and dreams for myself are increasingly growing more clear.
I write all this out for one reason... I believe it is important to actually write out what your dreams and visions are instead of thinking about them. Once it's on paper, you gain a sense of direction and they become all the more likely to be achieved.
- I have a vision of helping thousands to millions of people who have ever experienced such mental and emotional agony through social media, my writings, speaking in public, and whatever else I can to get my message across.
- I have already began a bit, but I plan to continue helping woman who have experienced sexual abuse reclaim their lives.
- I plan to write many books over the course of my life about my personal stories, healing process, and self-help books.
- As soon as I get my degree in Healthcare Management (in a year and a half) I plan to help people who are in need of receiving mental health help have easier access to the services they need.
- I dream of helping reconstruct our jails/prisons and mental health facilities to be less condemning and convicting and more encouraging and uplifting. I believe that I can help guide these people who are broken and hopeless to finding a lifelong solution to their personal struggles.
- I have a vision of speaking in front of thousands (yes I say thousands because I want that many people, plus more to hear one more story of Gods miracles) of people about my testimony with God.
- To of course raise my daughter to be a respectful woman of God (I pray she is nothing like I was) who knows her worth and takes nothing less than what she deserves.
These are my specific dreams and visions for myself. Yes, I am aware that they are tall orders and will not be easy to fulfill. I have a long ways to go and still have changes to make to continue to elevate myself but through time, putting in the footwork day in and day out, and having faith in Gods will, anything is possible.
What are some specific visions and dreams that you have for yourself? I would love to read some of yours!